Monday, September 28, 2009

Weekly Update

I owe you guys two newly dx week posts. I promise to catch up on them.

Meanwhile, here is a Sunday Update in Vlog form.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Newly Dx Week: Post 2

Diagnosis: Type 1 diabetes.

My dad was the one in denial. He took me over to a family friend's house. This friend had type 2 diabetes. He pricked my finger and tested my blood glucose levels. The numbers showed 400+. "Yeah, that's too high." Little did I know how too high it was.

By the time we arrived at Children's Mercy Hospital in Kansas City, my sugar had fallen to around 300. I don't remember much about getting to the hospital. I barely remember being taught how to give myself a shot and given a list of menu items to pick for my dinner. I remember asking my dad to bring me a blanket from home when he went back that evening (mom stayed with me). I remember exploring the toy room and reading Baby Sitters Club books. I remembered enjoying the hospital and making friends with other children on my hall. There were at least 2 others who had just been diagnosed with diabetes. One was an 18 month old toddler. I remember his screams as the pricked his finger.

For the first couple years, the doctors praised my progress. My a1c's fell from 13.4 to 9 to 6 within the first 3 months. They said I was doing better than most people my age did. Then, I hit puberty (late, thanks, diabetes). My numbers shot up. And something else happened. Diabetes Denial.

There are five stages to grief, including disease acceptance. Denial, Fear, Anger, Grief, and Acceptance. I think at first I felt fear. It moved into a combination of anger and denial that would stay with me for about ten years. To Be Continued.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Way Back Wednesday... Symptoms of Diabetes...

A couple weeks ago, I started my own, more different version of Wayback Wednesday. Since I've only been d-blogging since this past July, the traditional version of Wayback Wednesday that I've witnessed on sites like DiabetesMine and Diabetesaliciousness doesn't really apply to me yet. So today, in honor of Diabetes Daily's Newly Diagnosed Week, I'm going to go "way back" to about eleven years ago and dialogue my personal diagnosis story.

I was always a chunky kid, so when people started asking me if I'd lost weight I felt pretty flattered. Maybe I was growing into a tall, beautiful, skinny young woman! My dance teacher was the first to notice my weight loss, since she usually saw me in skin-tight leotards and had an idea of how my body looked, since it was her job to help me train it.

"You must just be getting taller and thinning out." I noticed a hint of pride in her voice. The first few pounds probably made her hopeful that the short, chubby girl would one day have a dancer's body. But, it wasn't just 10 pounds. It wasn't just twenty pounds. I was getting thinner, and thinner, and thinner.

Other people were starting to notice too. One of my mom's fellow soccer moms asked her if I was anorexic one day after watching me play in my now-over sized jersey and looking fatigued the entire time. Anorexic, at 11? My coach had even moved me from mid-field, where I had been quick and an asset to the team, to defender, where I could spend half the game standing still and simply kick the ball off to a midfielder. Even he had noticed my fatigue.

What I noticed was the thirst. My family had just gotten a water cooler, the kind with the big jug on top that reminds you of office-based comedy TV shows. My mom thought I was drinking so much water because I thought the cooler was neat. I was enjoying trips to the water fountain during the school day way too much. I thought that water was the best tasting thing in the world.

My fifth grade teacher noticed how often I was asking to go to the bathroom. I was going between five and six times a day. She told my mom, "either she is really bored in class or something is wrong with her. You might get her tested for a bladder infection or diabetes."

She was right, but we didn't find out until the following school year.

The primary care physician my mom took me to didn't want to test me for type 1 diabetes, despite the list of symptoms my mom gave him and my weight (I was 5'2 and weighed about 80 lbs). I was more concerned about the headaches I was having. "I think I need allergy medicine," I told him. My mom was vigilant. She said, "Please give her a blood test for diabetes." The doctor followed her request and that was the first day I visited the "vampires" - aka the lab, with the long needles and the tubes filled with blood. I don't think I was that scared by it because I don't remember being upset.

The last thing I remember before going to the hospital the next day was eating a special sucker I had won in class as I walked home from school and thinking, "This may be the last sugar you ever eat."

Me at 13, proud PWD member of the Drexel High School Dance Team

To be continued on Thursday and look for these posts later this week:

Upcoming posts for newly Dx Week:
-Thursday: The Diagnoses
-Friday: Disease Denial, part three of my journey
-Saturday: A Wake-Up Call, part four of my journey
-Sunday: Looking to the future: The journey never ends

Stay Tuned!

Monday, September 21, 2009

No Excuses. Just Observations.

A few months ago, I visited the dietitian in my endo's clinic for the first time. I didn't really like her, but she did tell me something.

"Diabetics have obstacles to overcome when losing weight, like low blood sugar."

I remember thinking that that was BS. Why on earth would lows prevent me from losing weight? At the time, I was running between 200 and 240 most of the time and never really worried about lows. I had them sometimes, but almost never.

Last night, I found out.

It was mostly my fault. I should have worked out earlier in the day. I had a plan, I didn't stick to it.

Well, I finally did convince myself to get on the treadmill at about 11 pm. But, eager to avoid yesterday's drama, I made the smart decision to check my blood sugar first.


One juice box, some peanuts, and half a cup of milk, and 20 minutes later, I was only up to 81.

I waited another 20 minutes. 85.

*sigh* now, at 20 til midnight, I decided my plans for working out were not going to happen. I did some stretches and called it a night.

Grr to you, diabetes. Grr to you for ruining my workout plans.

(And to just put icing on my metaphorical cake, I fell asleep at 103 and woke up at 241.)

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Weight Loss check-in - Week 1

Starting Weight: 233 lbs
Goal Weight: 133 lbs

I am going to start doing weight loss check ins on Saturday night/Sunday morning/afternoons. That means posting a blog do the d-blog about how my personal program is going, posting weekly goals, posting my weekly weigh-in (which will happen on Sunday mornings, so no weight tonight), and updating you guys on the progress for each weekly goals.

I have not been trying so far. I was disappointed to find when I went to the doctor that I weigh the exact same as I weighed 5 months ago. Major bummer. I was expecting at least a 5 pound change, seeing as how I have been eating less, and better. So, my a1c and my weight were stagnant. That's no good. I don't like it!

New plan. New regimen. New time!

I can do it this time. It's for my health. It's for my heart. It's for my future family. It's for me.

This weeks goals include:
-cardio every day (yes, EVERY day! a butt kick to get started)
-weight training on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday
-Eat 4-5 meals a day, each with a fruit or vege and a protein.
-Get at least 7 hours of sleep every night

I will chart my daily progress in my personal blog.

Friday, September 18, 2009



"Doc" - like the dwarf?

The DOC has become an integral part of my diabetes care in just a few short months.

It all started because I was serving endless front desk shifts at my internship at George Washington Carver National Monument. A "Front Desk Shift" is where you sit at the front desk for four to eight hours at a time and greet visitors as they come inside. Luckily, during the long, boring days when there aren't many visitors (not every day, only some) you can get on the computer! YEAH!

So during those long, boring days I discovered Google Reader. Which lead me to a bundle called "Diabetes." Which lead me to Diabetes Daily, Diabetes Mine, and Six Until Me, and their plethora of excellent blogs.

This lead me to start my own diabetes blog (which you happen to be reading). Somehow I started following all these people on twitter, which lead me to other networking and informational sites like tudiabetes, diabetic rockstar, dlife, and 1happydiabetic.

It's a process. You have to battle diabetes every day. A1c's don't fall 1 percent in between two 3 month visits. It takes lots of time and lots of attention to detail. And the Diabetes Online Community provides the support I need. I know I can recieve encouragement, information, and a smack on the head from my DOC friends if I need it. I know that between the four social media sites listed above, I can find close to 20,000 resources in the form of people just like me who use their sites.

Thank you, DOC. You Rock.








Thursday, September 17, 2009

A Visit with Dr. M.

I got to see Dr. M. yesterday and the appointment went way better than expected.

In the past, Dr. M. has been sub-par. I switched to her when my time with my traveling peds endo expired (aka when I turned 17) because of numerous praises from some of her diabetes patients in my church. I expected miracles. I got four years of A1cs in the 8 and 9 percents.

In retrospect, I know this was my own doing. Diabetes, I have learned, is a disease we have to handle ourselves and the doctor is merely there to guide us. But I must say, after my last few visits, I have been left questioning my choice of doctors and thinking about endo-shopping.

Dr. M redeemed herself on Wednesday. After reading this article at Diabetes Mine, I am certain it's because she was much happier that I arrived 1. with a weeks worth of blood sugar and insulin dose logs, 2. with ideas on how to improve my self-care (pump and sensor) and 3. educated on which pump and sensor I wanted to try, as well as what to expect and not expect from these devices. Never before have I arrived so ready for an appointment. Turns out she's a good doctor when I'm a good patient.

The appointment started out with a disappointment. When the medical assistant gal weighed me, I weighed almost the exact same as I did five months ago. What a bummer. I'd been trying really hard to eat better. Oh, well. Throwing in exercise and trying again in 4 months. Next was vitals. At my urgent care appointment a few weeks ago, my BP was 140/102. Now as someone with a family history of high blood pressure, this concerned me. The nurse at UC assured me it was probably just from being sick and perhaps from some of the OTC meds I had been taking. She was right. BP was normal at the endo's.

At any rate, the rest of the visit went smoothly. Even though my appointment was at 12:15 and she didn't show up in my exam room until 12:50, it didn't feel like I had been waiting that long. Even though I was fighting BG's in the 200's and starving because I still hadn't eaten (bad sarah), I remained positive and didn't freak out. She set me up with the Certified Diabetes Educator in her office and seemed excited to get me on a pump.

In the past, I have asked about pumping and was either shot down or met with a less than excited "ho hum here's the cde's number, call her." Never before did she write on my check out sheet for the secretary to actually SCHEDULE me an appointment upon my exit from the office. I knew I wasn't ready before. If I was, I would have been more pro-active. Dr. M knew I wasn't too. But now we are both ready. 13 days til the appointment. Anxiety!

Being a good diabetes patient has paid off. My body feels a lot better when my a1c is in the 7's than it did when it was in the 8's and 9's. M assured me that I didn't need a 5.5 a1c to get pregnant (phew), a goal I have for the next 5-8 years. Below six, she said. My fears are relieved. That's not going to keep me from hitting my goal of 6.3 (a goal she said was probably too low, but we'll see).

That's all for today. When I read Chris's post today at "A Consequence of Hypoglycemia", I had to laugh. All of my blogs are stream of consciousness.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Monday Iz Evuryday

funny pictures of cats with captions
Personal. Information. Hey, that's what blogging is all about, right? Exposing yourself to the world via the itnerwebs? Allowing anybody and everybody to read your innermost thoughts and personal information on your life, and, in d-bloggers case, health?

Depression and anxiety. As if Diabetes isn't bad enough by itself. I am more of an anxiety sufferer myself. It's genetic. (She get it from her ma-ma). My older younger brother (as opposed to the baby brother) deals with it too. We all chew on our fingers. It's rather gross.

My point is, I got problems, man. My personal anxiety and depression are mostly triggered by changes in my routine and life. Which stinks in college, because you get a new schedule and often times a new living arrangement every semester.

I enjoyed the routine of working the same five days, forty hours a week this summer. It gave me something to get used to. And unlike a college schedule, the same schedule every day. But moving back home, being unemployed, and commuting to school (1 hour each way) only two days a week has thrown me for a loop. I have been down this past two weeks and it's driving me crazy. Spending August with David and then sending him back to school without any real plans for visits did not help in the least.

Sure, my blood sugar checking habits and eating habits have been great. My sleeping habits, exercising habits, and homework doing habits, not so much. Not to mention everything I had in the other house is still in the garage and my room currently looks like a war zone (although this is generally true). I'm 3 weeks behind in two of my classes. Ok, technically three. I just spaced on my online bio quiz that was due on Friday. This is my last semester. I need to not fail. I need to graduate.

I still haven't done the final paperwork for my finaincial aid. I forgot to get enrolled in an internship credit. Not sure if I can still do that. I may be one upper-level credit hour short of graduating. The only thing I've kept up on has been teaching, and only because other people depend on me for that.

Personal. Information.

This week, I better get to it. I better pull myself together and get out of this funk. If I don't, I'm going to have to start seeing someone for this. I am still not ready for that. But I'm giving myself an ultimatum. Catch up on your homework. Clean your room. Sleep at night, not during the day. You have til next Monday. If you don't, you're seeing a therapist.

I hope I listen to myself.

Monkey knows I can do it. -->

Friday, September 11, 2009

September 11, 2001

You can read my September 11 post here.

I feel like a failure as an American.


Wednesday, September 9, 2009

A Different Wayback Wednesday: Vlog

I took a different approach at Wayback Wednesday. Enjoy some experiences from when I was first diagnosed, in vlog form. Please excuse the ugly afghan on my window (It's so my cats don't destroy my blinds) and my sick-sounding voice.


P.S. Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts and prayers. He found out today that he DOES have Coeliac Disease (aka Gluten Allergy). He is kinda bummed. I am too. Some of our favorite meals include gluten! But hopefully this will pave the way for us both to live a more healthy lifestyle and have long, happy lives together.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

All day I dream of...Pump? And CGM?

So this weekend, as I said, I wasn't feeling well. I took the day off school today in order to try and fully "recuperate."

This sickness has caused me to sleep a lot. A. Lot.

I have also spent my free time researching Continous Glucose Monitors, Pumps, Pods, and the like. This has ranged from asking my twitter friends what they pump with and why they like their pump to checking out various pump company's websites to calling my insurance company to see what they'll cover (no pods, sadface, and the lady had no idea what a CGM was).

Needless to say, when I close my eyes I have been dreaming of this:



My VERY OWN dexy dexter.

(Yes their names will be Pingy Pingy Ping and Dexy Dexter. I know, I'm so original. )


(/five year old WHINE).

But for now, I can only dream....

Monday, September 7, 2009

Morning Walk

HI all! Well, I've had a bout of sickness this weekend, but I am feeling better. I wanted to do a picture blog on the institution of my new morning tradition I'll be partaking in five days a week, once my sickness subsides. I kicked it off on Friday. It's called "Early Morning Walk." I hope to reach two benefits using these walks. One is weight loss, the other is getting my "dawn phenomenon" numbers down (aka Morning Highs).

So on Friday, I set out to walk. And took lots of pictures! I'd had a fever at 3am by this time, but I went a head and walked anyway since I was feelin alright.

Oops, left a tennie in the car!

On my way out, I took a picture of the diabetes mess I left in the living room.

Three in a row: My Brother's Girlfriend's car, my brother's car, and my car.

Got the other tennie!

I be walkin. :)

I reach the EPIC five way stop in my neighborhood.

The next portion of my walk is called "America! Eff yeah!"

Above is me trying to take a picture with the flag.

People in Southwest Missouri love America (Eff YEah!)

This family had two BIG flags!! (Eff Yeah!)

Three flags in a row (Eff Yeah!)

By this time, I am a little tired. :(

But I can't turn back now. I'm halfway! I came across the funny tree:

My legs were starting to ache. I needed to stop and stretch!

But first, thumbs up to a pretty red flower.

And morning glories!! My favorites.

Finally I get to stop and stretch, using this telephone pole for balance. Yay! I can now make it home!

Five way stop. Serious business. Can you see all five?

Where Michigan Street meets Michigan Street.

This dog has a story. One time, I was taking our German Shepherd Lady for a walk. She is generally well mannered. When we passed this house, there were two dogs inside the fence going crazy at her! Barking their heads off, I mean, really going at it. And then, the little dog jumped over the fence! I had to tie lady to a fence post and carry the dog back to the front door. Turned out she actually belong to the people NEXT door! She had jumped two fences just to get at lady, who was probably five times her size.

Here is our local grafitti. I am only two blocks away at this point. If you can't see it, the grafitti artists have crossed off "Cross traffic" and written "Mosh." "Mosh does not stop" was their point.

There is my house, the third one down! I can hear my dogs now!

Someone has been drinking....

Home sweet home!!!

Hugging my favorite oak tree (I think I look like an elf in this picture)

Smokey was there to greet me.

And we relaxed with cuddles on the couch (I promise I wasn't strangling him! Haha).

I hope you enjoyed the pictures of my neighborhood.

Friday, September 4, 2009

To Vlog or not to Vlog is NOT the Question

Of course I was going to vlog. It was never a question of vlogging or not vlogging. It was when to vlog and what to vlog about.

I actually have a whole blog dedicated to vlogging. It only has two posts on it, but it does exist.

So I had a decent vlogging experience. I feared my cell phone, my cat, or my dad's annoying chiming clock interrupting; none of these things happened. Kind of wish the cat had interrupted, that would have been funny. He is a good guy, that Smokey.

ANYWAY, here it is! The V-LOG! Take it away, Sarah Jane!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Weight Loss, Weight Schmoss

I am inspired. Awed. And for now, completely motivated.

is really where my involvement in the DOC came to fruition. Tonight as I was twittering with some fellow PWD's, I was motivated by one of my new found friends, George. George recently wrote this awesome blog post, where he challenged himself to lose 40 lbs. Well not really challenged, a challenge implies that something could not be met. George IS going to lose the weight. I know he his, he knows he is.

George, another twitter-friend Jaimie, and myself have been talking on twitter about starting anew. We all decided that tonight will be our fattest night ever. Which is why I'm scrambling to post this blog.

Tonight WILL be the last time I am this fat. I WILL lose 50 lbs. It may take me 50 weeks, it may take me 100 weeks, but I WILL do it.

I am going to make short term goals, and try to meet them. My first short term goal is to get my butt in bed within the next hour, and then get up at nine and go for a walk. Exercise is my worst Nemesis. I must battle it and conquer it first if I am going to make any progress.

Ouch, my shins hurt already. :(


Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I am NOT Ready for the MS 150...

BACKGROUND: Biking used to be my favorite form of exercise. I would bike 2-3 times a week, either a long distance or a short ride. I enjoyed it immensely. My dad and I biked together a lot. In recent years, we have enjoyed the (perhaps dangerous) activity of tying our dogs to our bikes and taking them for "rides." One time, we took Brutus, our boxer-dane, too far, and he got very tired and wouldn't go any further. Every year, my dad rides in the MS 150. He's currently training for this year's, which is in a couple weeks. GO DAD, I am so proud of you!

Over on DD (see above link), David, one of the co-founders, has issued a challenge for the month of September. It's not really specific, just challenges each member to pick one thing to better themselves in the month of September. I chose exercise, because let's face it, this is something I rarely do. In the past 4 years I have gained 40 lbs. I am sick of it! So I have decided to endure the pain and suffering that is exercising and challenge myself this month.

Yesterday, I failed. I was supposed to work out at my school's new rec center, but it has still yet to open (hopefully it opened today, but I won't be on campus to find out). When I was planning on going for an evening walk, my bg dropped to 58. Ugh, I hate you diabetes.

This morning, like most every morning, I started out with a BG around 250. Around noon, it was still in the upper 100s. I was FRUSTRATED, to say the least. This happens to me almost every morning! Nothing I try fixes it. SO. I decided to go for a bike ride.

I had it in my head that I would make it a 30 minute ride, then decided on 20. "MY" bike has a flat, so I took out one of my dad's 1234 billion bikes. (Ok, he has six). After adjusting the seat (I had to put it ALL THE WAY down - shorty!) I took off down my street.

So after about 3 minutes, my heart was pounding, my legs were aching, and my chest was heavy. "Guess I haven't ridden in a while," I thought to myself. But I pursued on. I made a loop around a cul-d-sac and almost decided to head back home, when I decided to go for the hill.

"You can do this! It's not that big of a hill." (I do live in the Ozarks, a mountain range in southern MO, northern AR and eastern OK, but Springfeild is on a platau. It's mostly flat.)

So I started up the hill. I came to the top, where there was a stop sign. I checked, no cars. Time to proceed. My elbows, having been locked for 10 mintues with my whole upper body weight pressing down on them, were starting to scream at me. "UNLOCK US, PLEASE!"

Dang, I haven't biked in a while! This hill is tiny! What the heck is wrong with me? I was sorely dissappointed in my physical ability.

I continued on. Down the hill. I looked at the next hill, looming in front of me. It was bigger than the last one.

I can do this.

My legs ached. My elbows screamed. My butt yelled. My lungs wanted to give up. My ears hurt from the chilly wind blowing into them. My body said STOP. But I said no. I made it up that gosh darn hill. And Darn it if I didn't make it home.

It turned out to be a 20 mintue trip. Hurray! I reached my goal. But when I got inside, my bg was still 165.

Dang it.


Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Me Me...Tuesday?

Apparently, National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week is coming up. Who knew! The things I have learned since joining the Diabetes Online Community.

Having an invisible illness often makes me think about things. What if I have a low and nobody around me knows I'm diabetic? What if I'm in a car accident and no one informs the medics of my condition? I am not one who enjoys wearing a medical ID. I don't wear a lot of jewelry in general, and if I did want to wear jewelry and had on a necklace that "clashed" i would be terribly upset. Needless to say I don't even own a medical ID at this point. I should invest, no?

I promise I have "real" posts coming later this week. I'm even working on a vlog! I am still trying to get into my new routine.

I stole this from Rachel over on wordpress who's link I found on some one's random twitter.

1. The illness I live with is: Type 1 diabetes

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 1998

3. But I had symptoms since: 1997 ish (I'm not exactly sure)

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: taking the time to test even when it is inconvenient

5. Most people assume: I can't eat whatever I want; that they are my doctor.

6. The hardest part about mornings are: High Blood Sugars!

7. My favorite medical TV show is: I hate all medical TV shows. I can't stand "medical stuff" or biology stuff. Medical stuff grosses me out.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: blood glucose meter<---absolutely 9. The hardest part about nights are: waking up at 6am having to pee from a high! Or going low 10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. One vitamin, nothing else is really for diabetes.

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: haven't really gotten that far in my journey yet.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: invisible. My health is my business, and with diabetes, unless I'm having an episode, I don't have to disclose it to people or have anyone look at me funny.

13. Regarding working and career: umm, nothing has really been of an issue so far in my career, but I am really just starting that particular journey.

14. People would be surprised to know: I (almost) totally disregarded my illness and lived in denial for ten years, seldom testing, eating whatever I wanted, and only taking shots when I felt high.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: realizing that I am doing my body damage by failing to make a lifestyle change.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: I have never allowed my illness to keep me from doing anything I wanted to do. I have, however, used it as an excuse to avoid weight loss ("It's just harder for people on insulin to lose weight." I knew then and know now that that is bulls***.). I hope that one day I can answer this question, "I was scared to have children, but look at my beautiful family!"

17. The commercials about my illness: I haven't seen many that don't' involve medicare or really any geared towards treating type 1.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: mixing grape soda with cherry kool aid. See also: This list

19. It was really hard to have to give up: pasta! I love pasta so much.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Blogging

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: I always feel "normal" except when I don't. Obviously. But if I could have one day of eating anything and it not affecting my blood glucose numbers, I'd definitely have grape soda, cotton candy, and a carmel apple.

22. My illness has taught me: Taking care of my body helps my mental health too.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: ”You can’t/shouldn’t eat that!”

24. But I love it when people: don't even mention my illness and act as if needles and finger pricks are no big deal.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: Here let me give you the DIABETES ONLINE COMMUNITY, use them, love them, be one of them! "one of us, one of us, one of us!"

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: it doesn't have to be your LIFE, it only has to be PART of your life.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: D (the bf, which is confusing cause most people call Diabetes D) is SO helpful when I am low. Since he has gone back to school for the semester, when I am low I get a little bit more freaked out without having someone to actually bring me sugar/monitor/etc. (I miss you!)

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I am doing my best to be a diabetes advocate and to help other PWD's know that they CAN succeed, make the lifestyle changes required to live a full, LONG, healthy life!

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: pretty special, I won't lie.



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