Fears and Failures.

OK, so my commitment to blogging daily has completely sidetracked so far. Between 12 hours of school and working 20 hours a week, I have been a little bogged down.

So that was fail number 1.

Fail number two I hesitate to even blog about. It's because it's born out of diabetes guilt. Diabetes guilt is like a plastic bag shoved over your head. It suffocates you, constricting your airways until you drown. I don't know if I can describe the precise feeling. I have been dealing with it this week as I come up on my next lab appointment and doctors appointment, where I will learn if my a1c has improved since my last visit (7.9). My guess? My guess is no. In fact, I won't be surprised if I'm back into the 8's, even though I have started using Dexcom and the Animas Ping pump since then. I did really well for a while, but things always get the better of me. I need to start picking just one habit to work on each week or month or even year. I don't know, I feel as if I was supposed to do better on these machines and I haven't been. I was without dexcom for a couple weeks, and didn't test enough then, and now feel like i'm swimming uphill to "catch up."

I got really scared today. I'm not afraid to share this. I want people to know what happens, what diabetics fear and experience. I was walking back to my car after class, a long way across campus, and my feet went numb. I've been dealing with lower leg pain while walking for a few years now, but never have they gone numb like this while I was walking. OK, they weren't completely numb, but they were very tingly and had that "asleep" feeling.

OK, so, I am 22. And now I am scared I’ll lose one or both feet by the time I am 35. I am freaked out by this beyond belief.

I'm so glad I have a doctor's appointment next week. Please, prayers that I can covey what I want to say and get some honest feedback from her, and that we can get this feet problem taken care of so I can live a long, healthy, happy, wheelchair free life.

(I am so scared).