Thursday, January 14, 2010

Fears and Failures.

OK, so my commitment to blogging daily has completely sidetracked so far. Between 12 hours of school and working 20 hours a week, I have been a little bogged down.

So that was fail number 1.

Fail number two I hesitate to even blog about. It's because it's born out of diabetes guilt. Diabetes guilt is like a plastic bag shoved over your head. It suffocates you, constricting your airways until you drown. I don't know if I can describe the precise feeling. I have been dealing with it this week as I come up on my next lab appointment and doctors appointment, where I will learn if my a1c has improved since my last visit (7.9). My guess? My guess is no. In fact, I won't be surprised if I'm back into the 8's, even though I have started using Dexcom and the Animas Ping pump since then. I did really well for a while, but things always get the better of me. I need to start picking just one habit to work on each week or month or even year. I don't know, I feel as if I was supposed to do better on these machines and I haven't been. I was without dexcom for a couple weeks, and didn't test enough then, and now feel like i'm swimming uphill to "catch up."

I got really scared today. I'm not afraid to share this. I want people to know what happens, what diabetics fear and experience. I was walking back to my car after class, a long way across campus, and my feet went numb. I've been dealing with lower leg pain while walking for a few years now, but never have they gone numb like this while I was walking. OK, they weren't completely numb, but they were very tingly and had that "asleep" feeling.

OK, so, I am 22. And now I am scared I’ll lose one or both feet by the time I am 35. I am freaked out by this beyond belief.

I'm so glad I have a doctor's appointment next week. Please, prayers that I can covey what I want to say and get some honest feedback from her, and that we can get this feet problem taken care of so I can live a long, healthy, happy, wheelchair free life.

(I am so scared).


  1. I am sorry you are scared. I am sorry your feet went numb the other day. I am sorry that we have to deal with diabetes and live with fear frequently.

    Know that you are not alone. Know that you can be in control of only some things.

    You cannot control what D does.

    You can control what you do. You can test. You can take insulin. You can eat healthy. You can exercise. You can keep an open dialogue with your endo. You can be positive.

    The rest, isn't really up to you.

    I pray that you live a long, healthy, happy, wheelchair and fear free life.

    Lean on God with this fear. Let him take care of it and guide you. He will.

  2. How scary! I can't pretend to know exactly how you feel, but I have this fear for my son everyday. My prayers are with you... let us know what advice the doc gives :)



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